she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
