Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
