I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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