i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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