Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
please come you make the beer taste better
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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