and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
