I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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