I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
