is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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