between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
