I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
