k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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