my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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