We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
