I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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