theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
