4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
