yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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