Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Don't make out with my wife yet
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
