mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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