you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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