The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
