New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
