i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My bed smells like the plague
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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