if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
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WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
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The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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