having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
