So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I stole a fireplace last night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
