The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
