You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
