Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
