Ketchup is God's man juice
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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