pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
