no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
