i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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