My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
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The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize