Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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