somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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