I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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