i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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