I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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