Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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