i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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