Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I need a burrito and a hug.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
