i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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