Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
