After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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