you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Randomize
