Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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