she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
