Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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