I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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