Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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