Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I could fuck to npr.
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