i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"