How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
